Page 23 - Inspire Health September/October 2016
P. 23
There are six common grief myths, have this expectation that things are going Seeking solace in religion can also
Friedman says, that have been instilled in to be better because time has passed. help. Zoller points out that in Judaism,
us since childhood: But triggering events, like anniversaries, for instance, there are specific mourning
birthdays, holidays — all of those things periods and practices to help bring
Don’t feel bad. “A child comes home can elicit a grief reaction.” comfort and closure. “Being surrounded
from school upset. Mom hands her a cookie by family and close friends often helps
and says ‘Don’t feel bad. This will make you Media coverage of the 9/11 mourners cope with the immediate loss.
feel better.’ The cookie doesn’t make her anniversary will bring a renewed sense Often, family members find great solace
feel better, it just makes her feel different. of grief for many of us, not just survivors from sharing memories of the deceased
… If you use a substance to mitigate your and victims’ families. The same is true during the Shiva [seven-day mourning]
child’s feelings, you are socializing your child when a celebrity dies. Friedman says period. … These rituals help people
to avoid a feeling, to use something to that’s because, in part, it reminds us of remember and gives time for healing or
misdirect it … it’s why society has a massive our own losses. working through their grief.”
problem with obesity and an epidemic of
drug and alcohol abuse.” “All of us are taught, from Friedman says the institute focuses
when we were little, ‘don’t on steps: An exploration of your
Replace the loss. “When a pet dies, feel bad, have a cookie.’ relationship with a person you’re
parents often rush to get a new one … That misdirects us from grieving; a graph that contains major
but that doesn’t allow the child to grieve. It our grief and says that losses in your life and an examination
replaces an object, but not the relationship grief is bad.” of them; a relationship graph that
the child had with that pet. You wouldn’t includes positive and negative things
do that if it was your child’s grandmother, —Russell Friedman about that person, and a “grief recovery
would you?” completion letter.”
“When Reagan died, I was on CNN with
Grieve alone. “There’s that saying, Anderson Cooper,” Friedman says. “Before “It’s not a lament letter. It’s always
‘laugh and the world laughs with you, I went on the air with Cooper, he asked if constructed with the ideas of apologies,
cry and you cry alone.’ We teach our there was anything in particular I wanted to forgiveness and significant emotional
children that you shouldn’t burden talk about. I said, ‘Yes. For a lot of people, statements,” he says, like “I love you, I
others with your feelings.” this isn’t about Reagan. Your brain goes, hate you, I am proud of you.”
‘Oh, that’s sad.’ Then your brain goes over
Time heals all wounds. “That’s the every single tragedy you’ve ever had.’ And Then, he says, “You need to read the
biggest myth of all! Time cannot heal he said to me, ‘Oh my God, is that why all letter to someone who is not involved”
wounds any more than it can fix a flat week I’ve been thinking about my father in the loss. That could be a friend or
tire. If your tire goes flat and you wait 15 and my brother who died?’ A national death counselor, but it has to be a person and
years, it’s not going to reinflate itself.” like that takes us to every single private loss the letter must be heard. “Witnessing has
we’ve ever had. Because unresolved grief is value; as humans we need to feel heard.”
Be strong, or be strong for others. “A cumulative and cumulatively negative.”
lot of times, when a family member dies, a One stumbling block he says most
parent won’t talk about it or express their Which goes back to how we treat grief. people have is the notion of forgiveness.
feelings in front of their children. How does “I really believe that if you don’t have For instance, in the death of an abusive
that help someone else?” some opportunity to at least get in parent, or in a divorce, there are
touch with your pain and loss, it is hard unresolved, negative feelings.
Keep busy. “Again, this is something to go on,” says Debbie Zoller, executive
that distracts you. It’s not going to director of Jewish Family Service of the “When we don’t forgive, we hold
help you along the path to recovery.” Lehigh Valley. “It’s all about processing on to resentment,” Friedman says
Friedman says it also plays into Myth and making sense of it.” — and that prevents recovery. The
4: If you stay distracted enough, time So, how does one work through forgiveness, he says, is for you, not
will pass. grief? It depends. the other person, so that resentment
“People’s grief reactions are as can’t occupy space in your mind. “So
Carosella echoed that thought. “The different as their personalities,” Carosella we have to forgive people indirectly.
first year is typically difficult, but it’s also says. As a general rule, she recommends It doesn’t justify what that person did;
kind of a blur. The second year, though, “Making sure you have people you can it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t face or
can be even more difficult because we talk to. You need to make sure you should have faced judgment.”
can express your feelings; that is vitally
important. … It’s OK to cry; it doesn’t “Healing is a process, and people need
mean you’re weak.” time to heal,” Zoller says. “I think you
heal, but you never forget. It’s
always in your head — and that’s OK.”
SEPTEMBER | OCTOBER 2016 INSPIRE HEALTH 23
Friedman says, that have been instilled in to be better because time has passed. help. Zoller points out that in Judaism,
us since childhood: But triggering events, like anniversaries, for instance, there are specific mourning
birthdays, holidays — all of those things periods and practices to help bring
Don’t feel bad. “A child comes home can elicit a grief reaction.” comfort and closure. “Being surrounded
from school upset. Mom hands her a cookie by family and close friends often helps
and says ‘Don’t feel bad. This will make you Media coverage of the 9/11 mourners cope with the immediate loss.
feel better.’ The cookie doesn’t make her anniversary will bring a renewed sense Often, family members find great solace
feel better, it just makes her feel different. of grief for many of us, not just survivors from sharing memories of the deceased
… If you use a substance to mitigate your and victims’ families. The same is true during the Shiva [seven-day mourning]
child’s feelings, you are socializing your child when a celebrity dies. Friedman says period. … These rituals help people
to avoid a feeling, to use something to that’s because, in part, it reminds us of remember and gives time for healing or
misdirect it … it’s why society has a massive our own losses. working through their grief.”
problem with obesity and an epidemic of
drug and alcohol abuse.” “All of us are taught, from Friedman says the institute focuses
when we were little, ‘don’t on steps: An exploration of your
Replace the loss. “When a pet dies, feel bad, have a cookie.’ relationship with a person you’re
parents often rush to get a new one … That misdirects us from grieving; a graph that contains major
but that doesn’t allow the child to grieve. It our grief and says that losses in your life and an examination
replaces an object, but not the relationship grief is bad.” of them; a relationship graph that
the child had with that pet. You wouldn’t includes positive and negative things
do that if it was your child’s grandmother, —Russell Friedman about that person, and a “grief recovery
would you?” completion letter.”
“When Reagan died, I was on CNN with
Grieve alone. “There’s that saying, Anderson Cooper,” Friedman says. “Before “It’s not a lament letter. It’s always
‘laugh and the world laughs with you, I went on the air with Cooper, he asked if constructed with the ideas of apologies,
cry and you cry alone.’ We teach our there was anything in particular I wanted to forgiveness and significant emotional
children that you shouldn’t burden talk about. I said, ‘Yes. For a lot of people, statements,” he says, like “I love you, I
others with your feelings.” this isn’t about Reagan. Your brain goes, hate you, I am proud of you.”
‘Oh, that’s sad.’ Then your brain goes over
Time heals all wounds. “That’s the every single tragedy you’ve ever had.’ And Then, he says, “You need to read the
biggest myth of all! Time cannot heal he said to me, ‘Oh my God, is that why all letter to someone who is not involved”
wounds any more than it can fix a flat week I’ve been thinking about my father in the loss. That could be a friend or
tire. If your tire goes flat and you wait 15 and my brother who died?’ A national death counselor, but it has to be a person and
years, it’s not going to reinflate itself.” like that takes us to every single private loss the letter must be heard. “Witnessing has
we’ve ever had. Because unresolved grief is value; as humans we need to feel heard.”
Be strong, or be strong for others. “A cumulative and cumulatively negative.”
lot of times, when a family member dies, a One stumbling block he says most
parent won’t talk about it or express their Which goes back to how we treat grief. people have is the notion of forgiveness.
feelings in front of their children. How does “I really believe that if you don’t have For instance, in the death of an abusive
that help someone else?” some opportunity to at least get in parent, or in a divorce, there are
touch with your pain and loss, it is hard unresolved, negative feelings.
Keep busy. “Again, this is something to go on,” says Debbie Zoller, executive
that distracts you. It’s not going to director of Jewish Family Service of the “When we don’t forgive, we hold
help you along the path to recovery.” Lehigh Valley. “It’s all about processing on to resentment,” Friedman says
Friedman says it also plays into Myth and making sense of it.” — and that prevents recovery. The
4: If you stay distracted enough, time So, how does one work through forgiveness, he says, is for you, not
will pass. grief? It depends. the other person, so that resentment
“People’s grief reactions are as can’t occupy space in your mind. “So
Carosella echoed that thought. “The different as their personalities,” Carosella we have to forgive people indirectly.
first year is typically difficult, but it’s also says. As a general rule, she recommends It doesn’t justify what that person did;
kind of a blur. The second year, though, “Making sure you have people you can it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t face or
can be even more difficult because we talk to. You need to make sure you should have faced judgment.”
can express your feelings; that is vitally
important. … It’s OK to cry; it doesn’t “Healing is a process, and people need
mean you’re weak.” time to heal,” Zoller says. “I think you
heal, but you never forget. It’s
always in your head — and that’s OK.”
SEPTEMBER | OCTOBER 2016 INSPIRE HEALTH 23
