Page 37 - Inspire Health November/December 2016

can bring a feeling of loss. Holidays can serve those feelings. Part of the loss there is that
as a reminder that things are different.”
One of the keys to easing holiday stress
is planning.
“Who’s going where and when? Plan with
the ex-husband or ex-wife,” Ramsey says.
“Sometimes that’s tricky. You hope your
communication is good year-round with the
ex, but the holidays are a time when you say,
‘I hope we can put these issues aside for the
children.’ Sometimes that’s easier said than
done, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth
the effort.”
Stine, who does a lot of work with families, balancing act of acknowledging that things are
agrees. “Start as early as Halloween. I’m a big different … but there should also be a focus
fan of family meetings. So you say, ‘What is
this Christmas going to look like? Who’s going
to where?’ You have a court order; that can’t
change. So everything else falls into place
around it. Not everyone is going to make
every activity.”
Keeping the children in the
loop — and making them
feel like they have input in the
holiday plans — is one of the
most important aspects of
the process.
“Kids are not dumb,” Stine
says. “Involve them in the
conversation early: ‘We’re
going to go here and here
and do this. Does anyone
have any input?’ You need to
set expectations. You don’t
want to just spring it on them.
Start at a very young age.”
Flexibility is also
important. “Don’t argue [with your ex]
over the times, over the days,” Stine says.
For instance, it might be Grandma’s last
Christmas, so be willing to give up some of
your time, even if it’s just part of the day,
for the sake of the children.
“Ask the extended family to be flexible,
too,” she says. “Don’t be competitive.”
Parents and stepparents alike need
to be listening — and asking questions,
Ramsey says.
“I think the timing of the conversation
is important; also how the conversation is
started: ‘The holidays are coming up. I know
that there have been some changes in our
family. Are you worried about that?’ ”
And whatever the response, he says, “As
much as you can, you need to be validating
what they envisioned their family to be is
now different. That can create a lot of fear,
especially for young kids. Respect what their
feelings are. In many instances, the young
people don’t have control ... Acknowledge to
them that it’s difficult to not have control.”
One thing that can help is to start new
traditions, both experts say. “Just because
things have changed, it doesn’t mean
Christmas is canceled. From a parent
perspective, it’s part of a way to ensure
you’re honoring old traditions, but if there’s
stepsiblings or stepparents involved, it’s
a time to focus on new traditions. It’s a
on the positive things, too,” Ramsey says.
“What I see is that a lot of the stepkids
feel left out,” Stine says. “They were at
Mom’s, so they miss what’s going on at Dad’s.
… [You need to] ask them, ‘What will help
you deal with this?’ Throw out a suggestion.
For a 4-year-old it may be trying to talk about
traditions. ‘Let’s do this together as a family.
Let’s create some new traditions.’ And you
need to keep trying. It may not work the first
time, but try something different and put the
emphasis on what we can do together.”
Stepparents, meanwhile, should focus
on being supportive without overstepping
boundaries. “What can I do to help?” Stine
says. “It’s a question many people don’t ask.”
While you want the respect of the
stepchildren, you also need to abide by the
wishes of the biological parent — and make
sure you communicate those wishes to the
child. “As a stepparent, you always want to
keep the real parent in the loop,” Stine says.
And if the biological parent isn’t there, you tell
the child “ ‘Your mom and I discussed this’;
or ‘Your mom and I agreed on this’; or ‘your
mom and dad and myself are in agreement
on this.’ ”
An issue that often comes up, but rarely
gets addressed, is the extended family’s
treatment of children and stepchildren —
and things they say around them concerning
the biological parent’s ex. “You may need
to have a conversation with your parents,”
Ramsey says, “like ‘I understand your feelings
about the situation, but the holidays are not
the time to resolve those issues.’ ”
And no one should be bad-mouthing your
ex in front of the children.
Gifts also present a challenge, he says.
“In any divorce or family change there’s
a risk of divided loyalties, and sometimes
people may use those times to
outdo one another. It’s an area
to be sensitive of because it
can lead to conflict. If there are
stepsiblings, you want to ensure
you are being equitable with
gift-giving.” In other words, you
— or the relatives — can’t give
one child an iPad and the other
child a $20 gift card.
No matter what the time of
year, you can’t force your child to
accept the stepparent.
“You may love your new wife,
but you can’t expect the 12-year-
old to love her. It’s something that
has to grow and foster,” Stine says.
“Your child may never love her, but they can
like her … They always feel like this person
is trying to replace mom. You need to say,
‘this person isn’t your mom. No one can
replace your mother/father, but this is your
stepfather/mother, so let’s figure out what
you want to call her/him.”
The same goes for stepgrandparents
and other steprelatives, Ramsay says.
“How is the relationship defined? For
instance, [the stepchild is thinking] ‘I’m
going to a family dinner; what do I call
this guy? He’s not my Uncle Bob!’ ”
Which brings us back to the idea of
preparation long before any holiday event.
“The time to discuss these issues is
not on the way to Grammy’s house, or
at a party,” Ramsey says.
NOVEMBER | DECEMBER 2016 INSPIRE HEALTH 37